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Monday, January 7, 2008

I failed!

I wanted to share a part of you that Im not very proud of. I am human but it doesnt excuse my acting impulsively or inappropriately. And I have. Without divulging or boring you with the blow by blows of this situation Im talking about, I blew it.

Normally I would never put something so negative on my blog, but this blog has afforded me the oppertunity to grow, learn, and share my experiences, strengths and hopes with you. Even and especially when I fail miserably. But many of you believe in me, Some of you leave me such beautiful, uplifting, and inspiring, comments supporting me on my journey, that if I didnt share honestly this burden on my heart and only shared the wonder and light in my life...I would be a fraud.

After months of my laying down, turning the other cheek, trying to be obedient while acting spiritually submissive to some hateful personal attacks, intentional financial blows, having my personal emails read, and computer hacked into, by a person previously in my life, I finally SNAPPED yesterday.

I CHOSE to respond to yet another financial attack that was "ultimately" my responsibility but certainly none of this persons business, and I retalliated impulsively, and intentionally tried to hurt this person back. Thinking Id feel better, ya know, finally...one up. I tried to feel empowered, victorious rather than victimized and all I did was "mirror" this person and it doesnt feel good at all. I stooped to their level. Im sharing this with you to prove that ...2 wrongs dont make a right. I am so not the tough, ignorant, scrapping, dope fiend, that I was before I was blessed with my new life.

I chose to take my will back and when I finally went to God in prayer, which I should have done first , God spoke to me and told me that I didnt trust that this situation was "His"not mine, and is being dealt with but it was His time...not mine and I tweaked. I know God forgives me. it would be arrogant for me to think I was beyond forgiveness. but Im having a hard time forgiving myself, because Im not a mean spirited woman. Im always telling the women of Grace in my life how I want to learn from them...and how I admire their femininity and off I go re-acting to a personal hit.

I cant imagine Peanut, Blondie, Sherrie, or any of you, handling this situation the way I did.

I have legal rights. I have already begun the painful process to protect myself in the future, I have my security back on my computer and will work on being accountable to the financial wreckage I have caused while in active addiction and prevent anyone from ever being able to have any kind of power over me again. I was foolish enough to think that I could snap and intentionally hit back, and not feel bad.
Wrong is wrong when everyones doing it...right is right when no one is doing it.

These personal attacks had very little to do with me...I understand that "Hurt people hurt people"

I thought Id be doing the happy dance. and Im not. Im feeling ugly, and vindictive. I cant shower and scrub this off of me. I know...Ive tried.

So I will take this human lesson and not repeat my behavior ever again. I will work on forgiving myself and trusting Jesus more.

I really hope that if any of you are feeling stressed, or on the verge to re-act. or act out on something being fooled into (as I was) that revenge is sweet. Its not. Living well is the sweetest revenge.
Thank you for allowing me the freedom and friendship to admit when I fail miserably, and not leave me feeling judged.

When you always do what you always did...you always get what you always got!

When theres No Change...theres No Change.
I want to change... I soooo want to change!!!!

4 comments:

Blondie ~ Vintage Primitives said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nf3Sm1tmdSA
check it out. give it a good listen or two. You will laugh your socks off and be humbled at the same time. Loving you muchly.
Blondie

Countryfolk Keepsakes said...

Awww Kat, don't be so hard on yourself.
Just “shake off the dust” and continue your journey. :> )
~Peanut

Jen said...

Hey Kat...I know exactly what your talking about..Have been there so many times myself and still learning the hard way!! I admire your strength and your wisdom and most of all your faith!

Robyn Regan said...

Kat you know you have done the wrong thing..you have prayed and asked for forgiveness...you can only ask for forgiveness once....you need to walk on now and don't look back for too long. Imagine if I asked you for forgiveness and tomorrow I asked you for forgiveness...and the next day..and on and on....You can only be forgiven for the one action once...if you have asked
God for forgiveness Kat...and you feel he responded..then you have to let it go. You are growing and know right from wrong. you are still my inspiration!!!!!! xxxRobby