HOPE= How Our Problems End.
And I need alot of inspiration & hope to help me overcome my nicotene addiction.
But before I introduce my Recovery Angel I created from Robin Seebers pattern again, although I went off the beaten path so to speak....Ive seen alot of designers on the proverbial battlefield upset rightfully so about copied designs w/o being given credit & Im so hyper sensitive to remember to acknowledge these designers...although Im hoping "because" Ive gone off this said path, I hope I dont upset anyone....Im a Scaredy Kat not a Copy Kat...I dont know if anyone would even want credit with my sometimes clumsy or alternative, funky & loopy ideas that Ive added but Id rather be safe than reeeeally reeeeally sorry.
But I digress.
The cool chick Ive painted on this pickle jar is a Shari Reiner design (I just love her whimsy)...I put a glass voltive candle holder w/ a tea light in the mouth & tied a fabric bow around it.
I refer to it as my "God Jar" I learned about it from a group of friends in A.A./N.A. They suggest we can decorate any box, jar, or container to use when were having a hard time letting go of something were either resisting or hanging onto. They can be resentments, prayers, requests, or just plain old gratitude. We write one sentence down on a post it note, insert it, light the candle & pray for peace, & ask our Creator or God to help our light to shine brighter than whatever it is weve inserted in the jar.
I know for me "If I dont let go, I get dragged" & Ive got the road rash scars to prove it!
After 30 days of adding our "posted" issues, we go back & read them & most of them arent even so big or even an issue anymore.
Because when we truely let go...
God takes them.
We throw them away & begin again.
When I shared this w/ my friend Renna, I told her that Im probably gonna need a bigger jar, she suggested a gallon size pickle jar? ....I dunno I was thinkin more of a "kegger"!
And now I can finally introduce my completed Angel I felt compelled to make for me.
Im fighting this embarrasing, shameful but very real & difficult addiction to nicotene.
It was something I always easily justified, I often lied to myself about dealing with one thing at a time,
Ill quit when they get too expensive....Puff ...Puff...Puff...
Ill quit when my husband does...Puff...Puff...Puff....
Ill quit when my lungs tell me to....Puff puff puff...
Well they did.
Last December during the week of Christmas, I caught what I thought was the bi-yearly bronchitis...when it didnt go away after being treated with several anti-biotics, prednisone, breathing treatments, 3 inhalers &cough syrup w/ codene, I went to a specialist after 2 months had passed & my pitbull bark that was VIOLENT & non stop, & the pain in my right lung was intolerable, my specialist ordered a CAT Scan....they found 6 nodule/masses on my right lung.
Sick as this sounds...as scared as I was I puffed myself into a frenzy...coughing, crying, up all night, (husband & family very scared) I commited that if I did have lung cancer Id smoke myself right into the ground,(God must have been so proud of me for that one) no reason to quit now....& if I didnt & indeed dodged the lung cancer bullet, I promised God I would give everything I had into quitting....to stop cheating Him, my family...myself. I had/have no quality of life being this sick.
My Pulmonary Specialist reassured me I do not have lung cancer from looking at the Cat scan but still had to figure out, explore, measure & biopsy, & do cultures so scheduled me for a Bronchoscopy which I had 2 days ago...
. had I known it would be performed thru my NOSE....
did you hear me?????
THRU MY FREEKING NOSE!
& not thru my big fat mouth, I would have been a no show....
OMG I need another Tums just thinking about it again.
A Scaredy Kat FULL THROTTLE!!!!
No amount of his valium, numbing NASTY tasting gargling pre op concoction &/or fentynal could calm me down for this nightmare.
I dont remember it goin in but I was coming out of it when it was coming out & yall?
I still swear it wasnt the anesthesia but he DID have his foot on my stomach yankin that sucker out!!!!!
He said he didnt....
Thats my story & Im stickin to it.
I see him this week for the results & our next move on treatment or what to do in getting me much better. I know he cant do it alone...I know its up to me to accept that I HAVE to quit smoking completely.
but be honest....
after reading my experience didnt it make you want to light a freeking cigarette?
Im just sayin.
I have cut down significantly& sometimes dont smoke at all for several consecutive days... but thats not good enough for me...or God. I made Him a promise.
I have begged Him to do for me what Im unable to do for myself. ....again.
He did it many years ago when I was suffering & drinking & using...then again helping me with the strength, courage & desire to taper & get off of methadone...this should be a breeze no?
Hell to the NO!!!!
So I created this Recovery Angel for me....with a 24 hour A.A. medallion reminding me I can do anything for 24 hours....then I included a silver heart necklace with the inspiring words "Strength, Courage & Wisdom" on it....& on her pillow I stitched Conceieve, Believe, Achieve. and completed it w/ a tag with Eleanor Roosevelts famous & powerful quote
" You must do that which you think you cannot do"
I LOVE that woman.
I lit a candle while creating her asking God to repulse me when I crave nicotene, free me, strengthen me... save me....
I dont want my Grand daughter to believe the only way to "get thru" something, enjoy life or calm down with a cigarette. I want to be there for my kids, & their kids, & to enjoy the second half of my life celebrating it not tolerating it because Im puffing & coughing away. I shared in my last blog entry that I was taking a little bit of a different path with the direction of my blog. I put myself out here, not always pretty, normal, comfortable or politically correct, but Ill always expose who I am.
Not because I believe im all that important but because we never know who might be fighting their own demons or battles & may find HOPE in one of my experiences, battles, & belief in fighting the good fight. It aint always pretty, but its real.
Ill close with thanking you for stopping by.
And with this...
"Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who Im not"
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Ive been busy this past week & it feels so good to have had some of my energy return. Ive got 2 appts this week w/ Pulmonary Specialists & my new Pulmonary Therapist is just amazing. Shes helping support me while Im on this trip to hell in terms of becoming a non smoker. I have good days, or I should say successful, then something will get me nervous or upset & I fail.
I shared with her the importance of having someone like herself who isnt so black & white while quitting this addiction to nicotene. my Doctor, (& I do love him) but hes the Black & White kinda guy I speak of. (NO MERCY)
Amys more of a "gray" person. She understands what a difficult process it is & doesnt badger or judge me on the days I fail.
So I wanted to make her an angel emulating her beautiful spirit. I was inspired by Robin Seebers Outside the Box pattern Id found last year in Create N Decorate magazine, I doctored my version up if youll excuse the pun! :) Can you believe I actually found a miniature see thru x-ray & stethescope I glued to the stand?
Im seeing her Tuesday & will give it to her then. I made a stained tag saying "Embrace Your Gray-ce"
Im already busy on to my next angel Im making to celebrate "Recovery"
I stitched this primitive willow tree & made it into a cute little pillow tuck.
I posted a picture of my beloved Opie who like his Grampa who also has a sweet tooth & I was having a hard time keepin him out of the Easter Basket I had on my coffee table. (it was just easier in the end to move it)
Its so sunny & beautiful outside this morning, I think Im going to take Opie out for a long walk...They really need to sell Puppy Ipods.
Thank you for stopping by & may we all be reminded to ....
"Embrace Our Gray-ce"
Posted by Kat at 5:56 AM
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Ive made the decision to make some changes in my personal life which will include sharing them on my blog. Originally I created this blog to include only my artwork, my dolls, projects, etc...with likeminded artisans. I was introduced to my passion of dollmaking through some amazing Primitive Artists, Historians, & friends of friends on FB. I have grown in my creativity which expanded into my other passion which is writing & carrying the message of hope to anyone living with addictions or know someone who is. As some of you know I am a recovering heroin/cocaine addict. Hello???? Thump thump thump.... Is this thing on? Yeah, I was wondering cuz I usually lose alot of people at THIS point. One of the reasons I began my journey of painting, sewing & creating was when I had begun the looong, slow, painful road to recovery. I needed some other venue to stimulate me, one that didnt include syringes, triggers, cravings & Church Basements loaded every night with other souls seeking a new way of life thru the 12 steps. I am so indebted to this group of people I consider my personal heros but there came a time (& Ive often been critisized for this) but I wanted to live my life without being reminded in every fiber of my being of what I did, or to who...who I used to be... Wasnt there more to my identity than being " Kat the Recovering Addict"? I found there was, there is...so I ran, I ran deep into Art Therapy. People at Craft fairs & forums who had no clue as to my old demons or new found recovery. But then God blessed me with a full circle of sorts & decided my gifts werent only in my creating on fabric, wood or faces, but in sharing "my" way out......& the way "in" to others who still suffer from the ravages of addictions, or early recovery where they feel as if their going to die of boredom, lack of interest & stimulation....I am just blessed but often feel burdened with the desire & unable to share how I want to help support the patients who have sought help thru the contraversial but life saving (for me) path of Recovery with Methadone. Ill support anyone on or curious about wanting to taper off. Ive been all over the map with that one, but since I have been both alcohol, drug AND medication free for a long time, I cant take my blessings & run. I am called to give back. Arent we all? So Ive been praying for guidance from God to help place me. I didnt know if I belonged only in the dollmaking community being careful who I shared my complete journey & then wondering who to invite to read my articles in "Recovering The Self" since each articles Ive had published speak of my history of the dark into the light...I felt as if I were living the great white lie. I "do" understand how ugly, & disturbing drug addiction can be, can sound, smell like, feel like. But finding the beauty of recovery & all of its miracles, blessings out weigh any odious fears we have in opening our minds and or hearts. And the cool thing is having choices is that we all have them. If someones not comfortable reading this blog or someone elses, we have the choice to leave, run, never to return, but I have experiences, strength, hope AND a voice...AND Im preparred to use them ALL. Right here. I will never share or allow anything (comments included) to be too graphic or negative, because then we lose hope. I lived a life of ugly, & negativity, it was a dark place & I want to provide light...mine, yours...ours....Gods. So from now on Scaredy Kat & Her Own Crow will be going in a different direction. Quoting Diana Ross.... IM COMING OUT! I will continue sharing my artwork, my creations, my passions about writing, my CrAzY babies with fur...my friends, my family, AND how we all got here. I really do appreciate those who love me in spite of myself, my quirkiness, my neurotic bantering, musings & growing pains. But I wouldnt havent been growing at all if I were by myself. I LOVE the saying .... "Its not the destination, but the journey." I thank you for stopping by & hope those of you who join me do so with hope in their hearts leaving any judgements at the door.
Posted by Kat at 5:19 AM
Saturday, April 2, 2011
And I so am....very thankful. I sent these goodies off to a dear friend in Rhode Island. I had such a good time stitching at night while watching our favorite shows on TV. & This canvas tote which I painted both sides was a facial twitching treat at times. I just feel so called to Shari Reiners amazing designs. Shes so whimsical & when I see anything she paints, I feel happy inside. And isnt THAT what its all about? Im sitting here sucking away on one of my Nicotrol inhalers trying to beat the nicotene dragon. Im not proud to say that most of you know I have experience with recovering from addictions but NEVER has one been as difficult...as nerve wracking as nicotene. I feel like I wanna eat someone. No.... really.... I sincerely do. Im not fussy... anyone will do. My doctor has introduced me to Holistic Healing Therapy.
BUT Im desperate enough to try anything. Join me if you will & close your eyes while I guide you into the very twisted & hysterical visual of ME in a pair of Yoga pants trying to touch the floor grunting & groaning???? Go ahead...laugh...ya know ya want to... Ill wait... I got nothin but time. Im putting the same hard work & faith into this as I did my other recovery. I do have a suggestion though for the Nicotrol people though... They should allow not only nicotene to be inhaled as your desperately sucking away... but... perhaps a few LARGE miligrams of Valium... Im just sayin. Just tryin to be helpful. Im grateful the weather will be turning warmer so I can begin walking. I have my IPOD loaded with some CrAzY songs that always keep me hoppin with housework, so power walking should be excellent with music. I love me my Beastie Boys...Fiona Apple....Leela James....Bon Jovi...Guns N Roses...Pink.... black Sabbath...Humble pie...OZZIE!!!!!some Hip hop from the 80s....The Humpty.... Now whos laughin??? Yes I LOVE The Humpty...I may or may not be seen at any given time DOING the Humpty if Im sure no ones lookin....& if Im really in the mood I may not care whos watchin! Shouldnt we all live our lives singin & dancin as if no one was????? Im wishing everyone a magnificent day & week to come. Im going to check on our oven roaster & make my "Healthy" salad w/ lishy little cherry tomatoes...mmmmm Thank you for stopping by to spend a few minutes with me....Scaredy Kat. ♥ (Shes the one in the Yoga pants....)
Posted by Kat at 1:02 PM