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Sunday, April 17, 2011

H.O.P.E.

HOPE= How Our Problems End.

 And I need alot of inspiration & hope to help me overcome my nicotene addiction.

 But before I introduce my Recovery Angel I created from Robin Seebers pattern again, although I went off the beaten path so to speak....Ive seen alot of designers on the proverbial battlefield upset rightfully so about copied designs w/o being given credit & Im so hyper sensitive to remember to acknowledge these designers...although Im hoping "because" Ive gone off this said path, I hope I dont upset anyone....Im a Scaredy Kat not a Copy Kat...I dont know if anyone would even want credit with my sometimes clumsy or alternative, funky & loopy ideas that Ive added but Id rather be safe than reeeeally reeeeally sorry.

But I digress.

The cool chick Ive painted on this pickle jar is a Shari Reiner design (I just love her whimsy)...I put a glass voltive candle holder w/ a tea light in the mouth & tied a fabric bow around it.

 I refer to it as my "God Jar" I learned about it from a group of friends in A.A./N.A. They suggest we can decorate any box, jar, or container to use when were having a hard time letting go of something were either resisting or hanging onto. They can be resentments, prayers, requests, or just plain old gratitude. We write one sentence down on a post it note, insert it, light the candle & pray for peace, & ask our Creator or God to help our light to shine brighter than whatever it is weve inserted in the jar.

 I know for me "If I dont let go, I get dragged" & Ive got the road rash scars to prove it!

 After 30 days of adding our "posted" issues, we go back & read them & most of them arent even so big or even an issue anymore.
 Because when we truely let go...
God takes them.
 We throw them away & begin again.
 When I shared this w/ my friend Renna, I told her that Im probably gonna need a bigger jar, she suggested a gallon size pickle jar? ....I dunno I was thinkin more of a "kegger"!

 And now I can finally introduce my completed Angel I felt compelled to make for me.

 Im fighting this embarrasing, shameful but very real & difficult addiction to nicotene.
 It was something I always easily justified, I often lied to myself about dealing with one thing at a time,

 Ill quit when they get too expensive....Puff ...Puff...Puff...
 Ill quit when my husband does...Puff...Puff...Puff....
 Ill quit when my lungs tell me to....Puff puff puff...
Well they did.
 Last December during the week of Christmas, I caught what I thought was the bi-yearly bronchitis...when it didnt go away after being treated with several anti-biotics, prednisone, breathing treatments, 3 inhalers &cough syrup w/ codene, I went to a specialist after 2 months had passed & my pitbull bark that was VIOLENT & non stop, & the pain in my right lung was intolerable, my specialist ordered a CAT Scan....they found 6 nodule/masses on my right lung.

 Sick as this sounds...as scared as I was I puffed myself into a frenzy...coughing, crying, up all night, (husband & family very scared) I commited that if I did have lung cancer Id smoke myself right into the ground,(God must have been so proud of me for that one) no reason to quit now....& if I didnt & indeed dodged the lung cancer bullet, I promised God I would give everything I had into quitting....to stop cheating Him, my family...myself. I had/have no quality of life being this sick.

 My Pulmonary Specialist reassured me I do not have lung cancer from looking at the Cat scan but still had to figure out, explore, measure & biopsy, & do cultures so scheduled me for a Bronchoscopy which I had 2 days ago...
now...
. had I known it would be performed thru my NOSE....

did you hear me?????
 THRU MY FREEKING NOSE!
& not thru my big fat mouth, I would have been a no show....

OMG I need another Tums just thinking about it again.

 A Scaredy Kat FULL THROTTLE!!!!

 No amount of his valium, numbing NASTY tasting gargling pre op concoction &/or fentynal could calm me down for this nightmare.
 I dont remember it goin in but I was coming out of it when it was coming out & yall?
I still swear it wasnt the anesthesia but he DID have his foot on my stomach yankin that sucker out!!!!!

He said he didnt....

He LIES.

Thats my story & Im stickin to it.

 I see him this week for the results & our next move on treatment or what to do in getting me much better. I know he cant do it alone...I know its up to me to accept that I HAVE to quit smoking completely.

but be honest....

 after reading my experience didnt it make you want  to light a freeking cigarette?

Or something??????
Im just sayin.
 I have cut down significantly& sometimes dont smoke at all for several consecutive days... but thats not good enough for me...or God. I made Him a promise.
 I have begged Him to do for me what Im unable to do for myself. ....again.

 He did it many years ago when I was suffering & drinking & using...then again helping me with the strength, courage & desire to taper & get off of methadone...this should be a breeze no?

 Hell to the NO!!!!

 So I created this Recovery Angel for me....with a 24 hour A.A. medallion reminding me I can do anything for 24 hours....then I included a silver heart necklace with the inspiring words "Strength, Courage & Wisdom" on it....& on her pillow I stitched Conceieve, Believe, Achieve. and completed it w/ a tag with Eleanor Roosevelts famous & powerful quote

 " You must do that which you think you cannot do"

 I LOVE that woman.

I lit a candle while creating her asking God to repulse me when I crave nicotene, free me, strengthen me... save me....

I dont want my Grand daughter to believe the only way to "get thru" something, enjoy life or calm down with a cigarette. I want to be there for my kids, & their kids, & to enjoy the second half of my life celebrating it not tolerating it because Im puffing & coughing away. I shared in my last blog entry that I was taking a little bit of a different path with the direction of my blog. I put myself out here, not always pretty, normal, comfortable or politically correct, but Ill always expose who I am.

 Not because I believe im all that important but because we never know who might be fighting their own demons or battles & may find HOPE in one of my experiences, battles, & belief in fighting the good fight. It aint always pretty, but its real.
 Ill close with thanking you for stopping by.

And with this...
 "Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who Im not"






5 comments:

Kat said...

Trying to figure out why folks arent able to leave me comments, this is more of a test than anything....

Anonymous said...

Hi Kat, it's Rachael from the library! I love your dolls!!!
I quit smoking in October 2009. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. How is your quitting going??

Sakyra said...

Супер куклы!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I really liked the article, and the very cool blog

Cindy B said...

You have a lot of talent with them dollies! BTW..I quit about 25 years ago..I had an awful time of it but finally made it after several attempts..I think the clincher was watching my brother die of lung cancer( also a smoker) ...and as I did, I made promise to myself..that I would never let my smoking make my family watch such a horrific death. I went to a hypmotist which seemed to really help...that along with what I had witnessed my brother go though..I am a nurse and have seen many deaths...so it wasn't new to me..but when it was a loved one, I took note..good luck and stick with it even if you go off the wagon..jump back on..it is worth it!!