Phela-doofia

I am back after a fabulously relaxing few days spent in Phela-doofia (as Nat calls it) And this is the sight I saw as soon as my head hit the top of the stairs up from the train platform.♥♥♥

 Oh mannnnn what a sight for sore eyes!

 She thinks her Gramma is  soooo cool...not so much for the duffel bag loaded with Christmas Presents I literally  assaulted several passengers & innocent bystanders with, (to celebrate our belated Christmas together)....not even because I gave her coins to put away to save, & even managaged to pull out of her ear as a very lame magic trick...

nope...

she thought I was cool cuz she was convinved I rode Thomas The Train!

We played Princess Natalie....forgive me for not posting "Princess Gramma" or Officer Gramma" pics but I would prefer to honor the last shred of integrity I like to pretend I maintain when being in her presence.

 Yeah...I know...I know.... that ship sailed a long time ago!

We danced  the night away one evening & I may or may not have taught her  how to master"The Booty Roll" and I have NO idea where she  EVER learned "The Sprinkler" :) but we were gittin jiggy with it, cuttin the rug up & busted out a few moves with our bad selves with some  80s music from my IPOD!

I was quite impressed & laughed so hard I thought I was gonna pee my pants when my very laid back son broke out & serenaded both Natalie & I with his rendition of Vanilla Ice's one hit wonder  "Ice Ice Baby".  Rapping word for word, from start to finish... not missing a word or a beat....Evidently not only does my brave son fight crime, serve & protect.... but he raps pretty tootin good for a white boy!

Im not even sure I "could" explain the faces he was making as he belted  out another rap song & one of MY all time favorites "The Humpty" in  all his very animated rapping persona! I love my son to the moon & back but I sure hope for his families sake....

 he dont quit his day job!

 So Im going to assemble a short list in menu form of all the excitement I experienced while away...

I almost had yet another near death experience when the cozy pull out bed Lana made for me tried to eat me alive...I was violently  sucked in between the cushions & the back of the sofa like a trash compacter that begin to roll me  (putting an enitre new spin on a roll away bed) to parts unknown with a ferocious momentum of its own... oh this sooo wasnt pretty, my arms & legs flailing arround like I was a drunk Circa Solie performer my Daughter in law screamed & my son...the cop...the rescuer of all in need.... just stood there almost crumbling ready to pee "his" pants.... until gratefully his wife screamed for him to DO SOMETHING, HELP YOUR MOTHER!...once I was freed, he said in a very serious cop voice...."Mom Im on vacation, I cannot be expected to be the hero when Im off duty!

I was introduced to a delicious variety of Russian food first being treated  at a cozy restaurant, then being spoiled by Lanas Borsh soup which is a type of beet & cabbage soup...& another fabulous dish I couldnt even begin to spell or pronounce. (Youll just have to trust me on this one)

I pimped my daughter in law out & deflowered her by introducing her to my absolute favorite accessory store called "Charming Charlie" and knowing what a jewelry addict she is & AND knowing my son will soon need a part time job to feed her new habit in this bling-y drug lair....I pompously pontificated "Son, Im on vacation, I cannot be expected to be a hero &/or sale friendly when Im off duty!"

While standing outside having my coffee with my son one morning, I was so excited to see a few falling snowflakes...."mom, its NOT SNOW its ashes from my cigarette thats swirling around" (rolling his eyes)... but I was convinced  & repeated that it was snow & once again he impatiently stated it wasnt snow but his ashes...

I took my "What-EV" attitude & went downstairs to my room to get ready for the day & looked out the sliding glass doors to what literally looked like a white out of...

wait for it...

SNOW!

I shot upstairs & said "Ohhhh Sir Son Knows It All"...look out the window at all the swirling cigarette ashes...he looked...he smirked & said "mom....there are alot of heavy smokers in Philly!"

I felt torn about coming home...being away from the hubs, my other son who I believe actually missed me...he texted me when I was there wishing me a good time telling me he loved me...WITH a smiley icon! Youd have to know my youngest son isnt a "smiley icon" kinda guy!

I could have lived my entire life without having the last vision I saw & cannot un-see of Natalie saying goodbye crying her little eyes out when we said goodbye in the car. Gramma NOOOOO PLEEEEEEASE! I had barely held it together before that...as if I needed her help with my own grown woman hic cupping quiet sobs, chin quivering, the lump stuck in the middle of my throat that wouldnt move....& the tears just waiting to race down my face with the next blink. I walked away not daring to look back feeling the saddest Id felt in a long time.

Didnt do much better holding my son goodbye. Either one of us wanted to let go.

I boarded the greyhound & didnt stop ruminating on that goodbye scene until a few minutes into our ride our bus driver took out a stop sign turning onto a street & kept on trucking...

Thank GOD for reckless bus drivers.

Angels dont always come with wings!

After transferring to Peter Pan in N.Y.C. with an hour wait, my mood finally began to brighten knowing I was going to see my husband, son, Sammy, Matt & Savanna!

When I got off the bus my Beloved hugged me so hard I felt like a newlywed! I think he actually missed me...when I shared it all twinkly eyed with my son he said "Dont get too excited mom, he probably really missed your cooking!"

So I shared the amazing sight I saw coming off the train with Natalie waiting for me in all her pig tail wonder...I want to share with you what awaited me when I got home....this is Savanna almost 2 months old...Oh heart of mine be still.♥

Thank you for spending a few minutes with me while sharing my Philedoofia adventure.

Remember the journey...not the destination!

Vaca-tio-ne

Ohhh it was hard kissing this sweet baby goodbye tonight...(Savanna, not my husband) I will be boarding a train tomorrow morning veeery early....like there should only be one 6: o clock on the clock & it shouldnt be in the morning..... to go on vacation by myself.
Ill be sure to post pictures & more details of my journey when I return.
 Dont know exactly when Im coming home, probably a week or so. I have been dreaming of a vacation by myself for awhile now. I need to do some thinking, some writing, some reflecting...some decision making about so many areas in my life.

I wrote out a very detailed "husband friendly" grocery list for Ronnie. He promised me he'd follow it & not spend $130.00 on only Koolaid, bologna, Little Debbies & any cereal certain to turn his milk blue! :)

I look forward in coming home with some much needed clarity & balance so I may continue working on my book Ive been writing for months now.  My editor reassured me that Id have his complete support & guidance upon completion for Publication. Im also taking another writing course which is intense but I look forward to the challenge of it. I  have a speaking engagement scheduled in New Haven in early March which I am so excited about, & then will be meeting with the Director of a treatment facility & Grant writer, to hopefully begin a program for women in recovery.

I figured if I was going to take all of this on, Id better take some time for myself.

Ive got a suitcase jam packed with a variety of way too many clothes (Im sure),  my carry on is ready with my I-Pod, my Droid, & Laptop...a brand new hard cover novel, my journal, & new camera....
I am sooo ready.

I am curious as to how long my recent journey with being a vegan will last while on vaca. It surely wasnt something I planned on, I "was" a red meat lover, & chicken? well lets just say the chicken community would FEAR the Nicotera Household.

 We love us some chicken!

But last Thursday night while eating a delicious pot roast dinner I worked so hard on, I saw my life flash before me when I choked on a piece of meat.
 My husband was upstairs playing video games on his new Flat screen TV & was planning on eating after he killed the last bad guy. I was starving & Opie, Gino, & I decided not to wait.
 I couldnt believe how fast it happened.
Ive never choked on anything like this before. My eyes immediately began tearing, I could feel the pounding of the veins in my neck & forehead...I realized this wasnt going down on its own & began taking the stairs 2 at a time...

Dang I can move when I want to!

The whole trip up the stairs in slow motion I might add, of ALL the things I could have been panicking about, Im thinking....
 well son of a Bi#%H.....

 I live thru heroin addiction,
 cocaine addiction,
 being non responsive to Interfuron Treatment for Hepatitis C...
 an assault AND a mugging...
AND Im gonna be taken out from a piece of POT ROAST????

When I told my son about this near death experience...no really it was...
he promised that he wouldnt let me be taken out like that & he would lie to my other family members & friends & keep my "choking to death" a secret & he'd make something up with a little more integrity... like I was hit by a car while trying to save a puppy or something....

I love that man....

But I digress.
So as Im flying upstairs, probably the thumping motion of my High Stepping pushed the sucker down. I didnt need to interrupt my husband hoping hed stop playing long enough to perform some much needed Heimleck relief to my sorry ass. But when he saw my swollen red & tear streaked face.....he actually put the joy stick down! With that look of horror on his face I know so well that says "Dang babe, what the hell did you do?"

I may or may not have a history of having CrAzY stuff happen to me.

Naturally I burst out in tears from fear? relief? feeling so stupid? I dont know, just pick one....
When I woke up the next morning, my throat was so sore, everything including liquids hurt going down. Im not sure when it happened but I knew with everything that I have that I wouldnt be eating meat again anytime soon.

Which is absolutely rediculous since I could choke as easily on a cough drop, or vegetable...but today is day 7 & I am still morbidly RePuLsEd by the thought of any meat touching my lips. I have also been chewing my fruits & vegies into liquid form to make sure they also travel safely down my gullet!

My ever supportive husband said "Well honey I feel for ya but I hope youre not gonna make me go on this vision quest of vegetables only.... you KNOW Im a meat & potatoe guy"

No worries Beloved....
I have remained committed to my wifely duties & wedding vows & have cooked your meat & potatoes every night since.
So I am really excited about my adventure tomorrow. I am looking forward in relaxing, enjoying & embracing the time with my inner BFF.
I wont be watching "Unstoppable" with Denzel as a  TrainConductor trying to stop a runaway train until Im safely back in my nest!
Thank you for stopping by & may we never take any moment for granted.

and remember....CHEW YOUR FOOD!

Perspective

Cancer has taken out so many dear to my heart.
 Young & old, it doesnt care.
Its a beast, it eats its young.

It tears & ravages people up both victims & loved ones.
I was recently made aware of my Orthopedic Dr.s young wife is one of those victims I speak of.

Since Ive been struggling in rehab & painful physical therapy from my 3d hand surgery a few months ago, I learned sadly about my Dr.s personal path with this monster.
.
 I am quite ashamed of what he must have been thinking of me every time I was in his office, whining & complaining about my fears of never having my hand be pain free or completely mobile again' or why it does this, or that??? or why cant I open cans yet???,why it still hurts...BLAH BLAH BLAH....

. Almost passing out with every cast removal...(Im such a wimp) having to lay down with the stitches removed, tearful physical therapy...well I am just so ashamed of myself.

Heres the thing....
about perspective...
IM not having to whine about nausea daily from chemo & radiation treatments, nor do I have to compalin about any port having to be inserted for those weekly treatments....I dont have to worry about what will become of my husband or 3 young children if I must accept Im losing my battle...
I cant begin to wrap my thoughts around what she & her family must be experiencing.

After learning about this couples medical crisis, I wanted to do something for them. But what? a card? Light a candle in a Church? make an anonymous donation to the Cancer Society?  Well certainly great ideas but I wanted to do something a little more personal.

Since my surgery, I havent been able to make or create any dolls. Ive been able to paint a little but nothing that requires heavy sewing or stuffing which most dolls require...

It was time.

I carefully sketched & shopped for some specialty fabrics that slide more towards the whimsical side than the familiar primitive homespuns.
I made my purchases, came home & began making an "Angel Of Healing" which although I was intending for them, realized the healing was provided for me as well.

It was slow going, a little clumsy & quite frankly after being out of commission for months, I was quite rusty.

 This doll fought me tooth & nail.
 Yet I forged ahead. I lit a white candle & asked God to bless the recipient with healing. I asked that she be enveloped in supernatural & mindblowing healing. Once I stepped out of my own self absorbtion of trying to make a perfect doll, she began to materialize & she came to life. The reason for her purpose was just enough to keep me pushing for completion.

I left for his office this morning with his angel tucked safely amoung tissue in a gift bag. I waited nervously in his exam room like an excited child.
Tick Tick Tick....

 You see for so many years I was such a taker from my predatorial behavior when being strung out & at the mercy of my heroin addiction, that the gratitude & deep love I feel for God for changing me so radically just takes my breath away. 10 years ago the ONLY reason Id be in any Dr.s office was to try to hustle pain meds for some feined injury....so to think Im able to give back such a small part of me for a change...well there are no words I can describe...youd have to be there.

When he entered the room, I told him I had done a little "stitching" for HIM :)
The look on his face was something Ill treasure forever. I close my eyes right now & think back to his warm embrace while thanking me & again...I am overwhelmed to think it was me recieving the gifts of healing.

 Dr.s arent usually ever able to work past my hair, heavy ink or piercings.

But this amazing, soft spoken man who wears a set of beads around his neck to represent something personal & private for him..... with an aura of spirituality surrounding him.... never once made me feel  less than, or troublesome with my resum'e of complaints & fears...always treating me kindly, compassionately & warmly.

 His gentle hands touching the stuffed  pillow that this doll held with one hand bandaged to honor his title of being one of the best hand surgeons in the country...(another miracle of mine since this ia a workmans comp case) repeated "my wife is going to love this." I had stitched the reminders of Courage, faith & believe sitting next to a funky button claiming "HOPE"
When I was standing in the reception area making my next appt. the medical assistants & nurses were coming up "ooooohhhing & aaaahing" complimenting me.
He liked her so much he was in the back showing her off...How cute is that? Such a busy man with patients waiting for him...took the time to share her with the other staff members,

  I was wrapped in humility.

My absolute favorite person besides my Dr. who is his secretary/ or office manager "Diane" asked me if Id be interested or willing to create, be a part of that day by participating & donate a an angel of healing doll for the large  annual Cancer Awareness Fundraiser  they sponsor every year.
 WOULD I?????
To think Ronnie & I were invited to be a part of something so important, so inspirational...well...
Color me Happy,

I had to stop myself from hopping in her lap & licking her face in joy.

Yeah, I know....Im a mess.!

Dont go acting all surprised NOW!!!

Angel of Healing????
Indeed.
Thank you for stopping by & joining me in a little personal healing of my own.

Well Looky at whos back!

And I come draping in amends. I have been MIA. Ive been so caught up & busy with beautiful people, places & things, AND have been throwing pictures,quickie comments on Facebook that Ive sadly neglected what I used to enjoy so much which was "Blogging" I sure make time for Bravo TV w/ the rediculous addiction I have to The Real Housewives, Basketball Wives, Love & Hip Hop, Senior vs Junior, & Mob Wives!

Im sure Ive lost respect after that confession!
Thats ok  I let my haters become my motivaters...

O MANNNN Did I actually say that?

 Dont judge me, I aint been right since we got this CrAzY kitten "Gino" who has robbed me any brain cells I may have had to begin with....
Ginos another story for another time...
I digress~

Im such a lover of best selling books, anything literary, documentaries, stories of inspiration & yet Im sure to be found stretched out on my sectional sofa stitching away with these Reality shows on.

So Ive made the commitment to get back to whats really important to me which is blogging.
 So after 10 months of unbelieveable blessings, miracles, & gifts raining down on us, that would require a keflar umbrella...where do I begin?

You tell me...
Being nominated for The very protegious "Push Cart Award" for the story I wrote about growing up & still living with Learning Disabilities for "Recovering The Self"

or how about my husband & I who have been blown away by being reunited with his 2 beautiful adult daughters after 19 years?
AND...
 now have another adoreable & precious newborn Grand daughter?
 (Thank you Facebook)
orrrr.....Coming out of the dark after a very scary & painful depression a new person celebrating every breath I take?
or nooo I know.... heres a "real" miracle.
Sit down yall....
you good?
Ok, my husband ACTUALLY has a cell phone & hes prepared to use it...
TEXTING!
and there it is!
My name is Kat & I live with a texting monster.
Hi Kat!
It was charming at first bearing witness to he & his daughters texting back & forth a bajillion times a day...
yeah, not so charming when he texts me when hes sitting on the same sofa as I am asking me to get him a coffee!!!!!
I am still rehabing from a third & very painful intense thumb surgery I had on Aug.31st. I am still working hard twice a week in Physical Therapy. And am a little nervous because Ive got a nerve sitting directly under the skin that when touched or accidently rubbed (from a winter coat, gloves, etc) makes me feel as if Im being tazed & electricuted at the same time. I also have issue with a new clicky thingy which pops like a soft knuckle every time I turn my wrist. Im relying on my faith & my new Orthopedic Surgeon who is considered a Hand Savant in the country! (aint to bad on the eyes either)

The new kitty Gino? (Thank God for Therapy)
He causes me facial twitches & I sound like Ive got Turettes Syndrom from the bloody flesh wounds he attacks me with.
Im still very involved with creating, painting, but the dollmaking has been very slow with my issues at hand. (excuse the pun)
So since this is alot to share, Ill close now with adding a few pictures of said blessings & miracles.
I thank you if youve stopped by, I am looking forward in sharing my journey of  art, family, friends pets & of course sobriety.

Ronnie & I.♥

Sammy & Matt at their baby shower.

Ronnie in all his joy.♥

Savanna & one HAPPY Gramma♥

Sam & Savanna.♥

Ronnie & Christine.

Daddy Matt & our lil Peanut.♥

Our very grown up & fashionista Natalie.♥

AND last but not least Diablo..I mean Gino!

H.O.P.E.

HOPE= How Our Problems End.

 And I need alot of inspiration & hope to help me overcome my nicotene addiction.

 But before I introduce my Recovery Angel I created from Robin Seebers pattern again, although I went off the beaten path so to speak....Ive seen alot of designers on the proverbial battlefield upset rightfully so about copied designs w/o being given credit & Im so hyper sensitive to remember to acknowledge these designers...although Im hoping "because" Ive gone off this said path, I hope I dont upset anyone....Im a Scaredy Kat not a Copy Kat...I dont know if anyone would even want credit with my sometimes clumsy or alternative, funky & loopy ideas that Ive added but Id rather be safe than reeeeally reeeeally sorry.

But I digress.

The cool chick Ive painted on this pickle jar is a Shari Reiner design (I just love her whimsy)...I put a glass voltive candle holder w/ a tea light in the mouth & tied a fabric bow around it.

 I refer to it as my "God Jar" I learned about it from a group of friends in A.A./N.A. They suggest we can decorate any box, jar, or container to use when were having a hard time letting go of something were either resisting or hanging onto. They can be resentments, prayers, requests, or just plain old gratitude. We write one sentence down on a post it note, insert it, light the candle & pray for peace, & ask our Creator or God to help our light to shine brighter than whatever it is weve inserted in the jar.

 I know for me "If I dont let go, I get dragged" & Ive got the road rash scars to prove it!

 After 30 days of adding our "posted" issues, we go back & read them & most of them arent even so big or even an issue anymore.
 Because when we truely let go...
God takes them.
 We throw them away & begin again.
 When I shared this w/ my friend Renna, I told her that Im probably gonna need a bigger jar, she suggested a gallon size pickle jar? ....I dunno I was thinkin more of a "kegger"!

 And now I can finally introduce my completed Angel I felt compelled to make for me.

 Im fighting this embarrasing, shameful but very real & difficult addiction to nicotene.
 It was something I always easily justified, I often lied to myself about dealing with one thing at a time,

 Ill quit when they get too expensive....Puff ...Puff...Puff...
 Ill quit when my husband does...Puff...Puff...Puff....
 Ill quit when my lungs tell me to....Puff puff puff...
Well they did.
 Last December during the week of Christmas, I caught what I thought was the bi-yearly bronchitis...when it didnt go away after being treated with several anti-biotics, prednisone, breathing treatments, 3 inhalers &cough syrup w/ codene, I went to a specialist after 2 months had passed & my pitbull bark that was VIOLENT & non stop, & the pain in my right lung was intolerable, my specialist ordered a CAT Scan....they found 6 nodule/masses on my right lung.

 Sick as this sounds...as scared as I was I puffed myself into a frenzy...coughing, crying, up all night, (husband & family very scared) I commited that if I did have lung cancer Id smoke myself right into the ground,(God must have been so proud of me for that one) no reason to quit now....& if I didnt & indeed dodged the lung cancer bullet, I promised God I would give everything I had into quitting....to stop cheating Him, my family...myself. I had/have no quality of life being this sick.

 My Pulmonary Specialist reassured me I do not have lung cancer from looking at the Cat scan but still had to figure out, explore, measure & biopsy, & do cultures so scheduled me for a Bronchoscopy which I had 2 days ago...
now...
. had I known it would be performed thru my NOSE....

did you hear me?????
 THRU MY FREEKING NOSE!
& not thru my big fat mouth, I would have been a no show....

OMG I need another Tums just thinking about it again.

 A Scaredy Kat FULL THROTTLE!!!!

 No amount of his valium, numbing NASTY tasting gargling pre op concoction &/or fentynal could calm me down for this nightmare.
 I dont remember it goin in but I was coming out of it when it was coming out & yall?
I still swear it wasnt the anesthesia but he DID have his foot on my stomach yankin that sucker out!!!!!

He said he didnt....

He LIES.

Thats my story & Im stickin to it.

 I see him this week for the results & our next move on treatment or what to do in getting me much better. I know he cant do it alone...I know its up to me to accept that I HAVE to quit smoking completely.

but be honest....

 after reading my experience didnt it make you want  to light a freeking cigarette?

Or something??????
Im just sayin.
 I have cut down significantly& sometimes dont smoke at all for several consecutive days... but thats not good enough for me...or God. I made Him a promise.
 I have begged Him to do for me what Im unable to do for myself. ....again.

 He did it many years ago when I was suffering & drinking & using...then again helping me with the strength, courage & desire to taper & get off of methadone...this should be a breeze no?

 Hell to the NO!!!!

 So I created this Recovery Angel for me....with a 24 hour A.A. medallion reminding me I can do anything for 24 hours....then I included a silver heart necklace with the inspiring words "Strength, Courage & Wisdom" on it....& on her pillow I stitched Conceieve, Believe, Achieve. and completed it w/ a tag with Eleanor Roosevelts famous & powerful quote

 " You must do that which you think you cannot do"

 I LOVE that woman.

I lit a candle while creating her asking God to repulse me when I crave nicotene, free me, strengthen me... save me....

I dont want my Grand daughter to believe the only way to "get thru" something, enjoy life or calm down with a cigarette. I want to be there for my kids, & their kids, & to enjoy the second half of my life celebrating it not tolerating it because Im puffing & coughing away. I shared in my last blog entry that I was taking a little bit of a different path with the direction of my blog. I put myself out here, not always pretty, normal, comfortable or politically correct, but Ill always expose who I am.

 Not because I believe im all that important but because we never know who might be fighting their own demons or battles & may find HOPE in one of my experiences, battles, & belief in fighting the good fight. It aint always pretty, but its real.
 Ill close with thanking you for stopping by.

And with this...
 "Id rather be hated for who I am than loved for who Im not"

Ive been busy this past week & it feels so good to have had some of my energy return. Ive got 2 appts this week w/ Pulmonary Specialists & my new Pulmonary Therapist is just amazing. Shes helping support me while Im on this trip to hell in terms of becoming a non smoker. I have good days, or I should say successful, then something will get me nervous or upset & I fail.

I shared with her the importance of having someone like herself who isnt so black & white while quitting this addiction to nicotene. my Doctor, (& I do love him) but hes the Black & White kinda guy I speak of. (NO MERCY)

Amys more of a "gray" person. She understands what a difficult process it is & doesnt badger or judge me on the days I fail.

So I wanted to make her an angel emulating her beautiful spirit. I was inspired by Robin Seebers Outside the Box pattern Id found last year in Create N Decorate magazine, I doctored my version up if youll excuse the pun! :) Can you believe I actually found a miniature see thru x-ray & stethescope I glued to the stand?

Im seeing her Tuesday & will give it to her then. I made a stained tag saying "Embrace Your Gray-ce"

Im already busy on to my next angel Im making to celebrate "Recovery"

I stitched this primitive willow tree & made it into a cute little pillow tuck.

I posted a picture of my beloved Opie who like his Grampa who also has a sweet tooth & I was having a hard time keepin him out of the Easter Basket I had on my coffee table. (it was just easier in the end to move it)

Its so sunny & beautiful outside this morning, I think Im going to take Opie out for a long walk...They really need to sell Puppy Ipods.

Thank you for stopping by & may we all be reminded to ....

"Embrace Our Gray-ce"

New Directions

Ive made the decision to make some changes in my personal life which will include sharing them on my blog. Originally I created this blog to include only my artwork, my dolls, projects, etc...with likeminded artisans. I was introduced to my passion of dollmaking through some amazing Primitive Artists, Historians, & friends of friends on FB. I have grown in my creativity which expanded into my other passion which is writing & carrying the message of hope to anyone living with addictions or know someone who is. As some of you know I am a recovering heroin/cocaine addict. Hello???? Thump thump thump.... Is this thing on? Yeah, I was wondering cuz I usually lose alot of people at THIS point. One of the reasons I began my journey of painting, sewing & creating was when I had begun the looong, slow, painful road to recovery. I needed some other venue to stimulate me, one that didnt include syringes, triggers, cravings & Church Basements loaded every night with other souls seeking a new way of life thru the 12 steps. I am so indebted to this group of people I consider my personal heros but there came a time (& Ive often been critisized for this) but I wanted to live my life without being reminded in every fiber of my being of what I did, or to who...who I used to be... Wasnt there more to my identity than being " Kat the Recovering Addict"? I found there was, there is...so I ran, I ran deep into Art Therapy. People at Craft fairs & forums who had no clue as to my old demons or new found recovery. But then God blessed me with a full circle of sorts & decided my gifts werent only in my creating on fabric, wood or faces, but in sharing "my" way out......& the way "in" to others who still suffer from the ravages of addictions, or early recovery where they feel as if their going to die of boredom, lack of interest & stimulation....I am just blessed but often feel burdened with the desire & unable to share how I want to help support the patients who have sought help thru the contraversial but life saving (for me) path of Recovery with Methadone. Ill support anyone on or curious about wanting to taper off. Ive been all over the map with that one, but since I have been both alcohol, drug AND medication free for a long time, I cant take my blessings & run. I am called to give back. Arent we all? So Ive been praying for guidance from God to help place me. I didnt know if I belonged only in the dollmaking community being careful who I shared my complete journey & then wondering who to invite to read my articles in "Recovering The Self" since each articles Ive had published speak of my history of the dark into the light...I felt as if I were living the great white lie. I "do" understand how ugly, & disturbing drug addiction can be, can sound, smell like, feel like. But finding the beauty of recovery & all of its miracles, blessings out weigh any odious fears we have in opening our minds and or hearts. And the cool thing is having choices is that we all have them. If someones not comfortable reading this blog or someone elses, we have the choice to leave, run, never to return, but I have experiences, strength, hope AND a voice...AND Im preparred to use them ALL. Right here. I will never share or allow anything (comments included) to be too graphic or negative, because then we lose hope. I lived a life of ugly, & negativity, it was a dark place & I want to provide light...mine, yours...ours....Gods. So from now on Scaredy Kat & Her Own Crow will be going in a different direction. Quoting Diana Ross.... IM COMING OUT! I will continue sharing my artwork, my creations, my passions about writing, my CrAzY babies with fur...my friends, my family, AND how we all got here. I really do appreciate those who love me in spite of myself, my quirkiness, my neurotic bantering, musings & growing pains. But I wouldnt havent been growing at all if I were by myself. I LOVE the saying .... "Its not the destination, but the journey." I thank you for stopping by & hope those of you who join me do so with hope in their hearts leaving any judgements at the door.